Xiao Yan Xu 徐曉燕

Spring in Seattle arrives very late.  Outside the rain is falling, my heart also falls and rises, but I cannot find peace and joy with the soft sound of the falling rain.  When my doctor told me that she has tried everything and cannot help me anymore, I just felt numb and lost.  I did not feel particularly sad, maybe because I already expected the worst, I did not have any option except to accept the fact.  After we got home, my husband tried to comfort me.  He said we still could look for other doctors, try experimental medicines, he will support me all the way till we find the best new medicine for me.  But what I feared most was to drag him down and burden him more.  I just really wanted to leave this world of sufferings and tortures soon and follow God to His beautiful home.  Looking at his loving eyes filled with sadness, I could not expect more.   Life is such, what else can I expect?

Due to allergies to medications, fever and pneumonia, I was very tired and so weak that it became a challenge to take a step.  People from Herald Cancer Care Association called me to encourage me to hold on. When they heard that I live in Seattle area with just my husband, they understand our difficult situation and asked me if it is okay to invite local church friends to care and visit me.  I really appreciated the offer, because I was scared of being lonely and sick.  Even though I have not been baptized, but I believe deep in my heart, I am a Christian.  Since I first started going to church in February 2009, I have really enjoyed the church atmosphere, loved being together with brothers and sisters at church.  Because later I returned to China and found out I had cancer and started cancer treatment there, I have not had a chance to return to the church.  But the brothers and sisters from the church in America did not forget me, they have been calling me, praying for me constantly.  I really felt their love.  In order to search for better treatment, I came back to the States in December 2010, but my effort was in vain, there was no other better treatment for me.   My cancer was spreading very quickly, there was no way to control it.  But I have overcome the fear of death when I first faced the news of cancer.  I know God will lead me down his glorious path, if I trust in Him, I will be saved.  I am at peace, I do not fear death.  Meantime, I have tried to attend a local church close to us, but I did not fit in, I gave up going to church and lost interest in reading the Bible alone.  But I have kept up my prayers, because I want to pour out my sorrow and my struggles to my Lord and I need his blessings and guidance.

To my surprise, after Herald Cancer Association (San Francisco) called me, I received a call from International Chinese Christian Church’s pastor’s wife Belinda the same evening.  She left a message telling me she would for sure visit me the next day.  I was really excited, I was also so touched that she reacted so quickly.  Belinda came the next day in the afternoon with her daughter.  Surprisingly the pain and itch I felt before all disappeared when they were here. I was able to talk to them sitting up in bed.  I was really surprised because before then I had trouble just to turn in bed.  With the encouragement from pastor’s wife, I felt confidence again. When I said my first prayer that night, I heard a voice telling me “if you want to be saved, you must save yourself first”, and heard the voice the second time again, very clearly in my mind later.  I knew God was talking to me.  So I told my husband that I needed to go to the ER.  Very quickly I received help at the ER and many of my symptoms subsided and I felt much better.  In later days after that, more surprisingly, I received many phone calls and visits to my hospital room and home from other church brothers and sisters, I was very moved.  With their comforting words, they also brought my favorite soups and desserts, they made me feel so special.  For a long time I have not felt the love and warmth I had experienced from the loving care of these brothers and sisters of this church.  I also received many cards from them, which I read with tears in my eyes.  I am just an ordinary little woman but I received so much love, care and prayers from so many people.  I could only say they are God sent, they are God’s angels providing me with encouragement and courage.  I pray and give thanks to God for all his blessings and of this great and selfless love that I have never experienced before.  Based on my background and education, I have always had doubt and never really learned how to love others, I have learned so much from these church brothers and sisters, I was deeply humbled and shamed.  People may have love, but to persevere with love for long periods of time is especially precious.  This doctrine is so different from what I experienced with other religions.  But God is full of this wonderful love and He brings me endless joy and peace.  I will lift my eyes upon my Lord, and wait upon Him who is my savior, and He will deliver me.

沒有料到的是,當天角聲的關懷電話之後,塔可馬華人基督教會的雷師母的電話就在當晚來到了,留言告訴我第二天必定要來探訪我,我心裡一陣激動,沒想到師母如此之快的反映,內心十分不能平靜。第二天下午雷師母帶著她的女兒來探訪我,真沒料到在這之前的難受和騷癢都停止了。我坐在床上,居然可以和她們聊上幾句,令我自己吃驚不小。因為在這之前我根本連翻身都很困難。得到師母的鼓勵,我信心倍增,當晚第一次祈禱的時候感覺有一個聲音在告訴我,“你要想得救,必先自救。”,非常清晰可見,我知道神給了我話語。我從內心拒絕去醫院,但是既然主要求我這麼做。我於是告訴我先生我要去急救室。很快的,在急救室得到了救助,身上的症狀消失很多,讓我精神也好了很多。更沒有想到的是,接下來,華人基督教會的兄弟姐妹一個個電話和醫院、家庭的探訪,讓我感動萬分。他們給我帶來可口的湯水和甜美的零食,還有那關懷的話語,讓我受寵若驚。這麼久以來,從來沒有感受到的愛和溫暖在這教會的兄弟姐妹們的關懷中變得那麼的美好和幸福。一張張問候的卡片寄到了家裡,我邊看邊流淚。我一個平凡的小女子, 何德何能竟有這麼多人們關心著我,擔心著我,為我祈福。我只能說這是主帶給我的。他們都是天使,給我鼓舞和勇氣,我只能祈禱感謝主賜予這麼多的愛,那種無私的愛,跟我以前所接觸的完全不一樣。由於自己的背景加上教育的關係,我一直遲疑,從未學到過如何去愛別人,但是華人基督教會的兄弟姐妹教會了我太多的東西,令我無地自容。人是有愛心的,但貴在堅持,持之以恆。這種教義跟我以前所接觸到的宗教不太一樣。但是神凝聚著這美好的愛,帶給我無盡的平安和喜樂。我要仰望耶和華,要等候那救我的神,我的神必應允我。[:zh]西雅圖的春天來的十分的晚,窗外的雨聲滴滴答答,我的心起起落落。伴隨這雨聲,一點也讓我平靜快樂不起來。當主治醫生告訴我,她已經沒有任何的醫療幫助我了,我極其茫然,心裡也不痛苦難過,因為早已預料了最壞的結果,不接受也由不得我。回到家中,先生安慰著我,說我們還可以到別的醫院去做新藥的實驗,他會全力以赴的支持我找到最合適的新藥。可是我心裡最怕的就是成為他的負擔,拖累他。我真的想快點離開這塵世,離開這痛苦的折磨,跟隨主到美好的地方去。看著他充滿激情、憂愁、難過的雙眼,我還能求什麼呢,人生如此,夫復何求?
沒有料到的是,當天角聲的關懷電話之後,塔可馬華人基督教會的雷師母的電話就在當晚來到了,留言告訴我第二天必定要來探訪我,我心裡一陣激動,沒想到師母如此之快的反映,內心十分不能平靜。第二天下午雷師母帶著她的女兒來探訪我,真沒料到在這之前的難受和騷癢都停止了。我坐在床上,居然可以和她們聊上幾句,令我自己吃驚不小。因為在這之前我根本連翻身都很困難。得到師母的鼓勵,我信心倍增,當晚第一次祈禱的時候感覺有一個聲音在告訴我,“你要想得救,必先自救。”,非常清晰可見,我知道神給了我話語。我從內心拒絕去醫院,但是既然主要求我這麼做。我於是告訴我先生我要去急救室。很快的,在急救室得到了救助,身上的症狀消失很多,讓我精神也好了很多。更沒有想到的是,接下來,華人基督教會的兄弟姐妹一個個電話和醫院、家庭的探訪,讓我感動萬分。他們給我帶來可口的湯水和甜美的零食,還有那關懷的話語,讓我受寵若驚。這麼久以來,從來沒有感受到的愛和溫暖在這教會的兄弟姐妹們的關懷中變得那麼的美好和幸福。一張張問候的卡片寄到了家裡,我邊看邊流淚。我一個平凡的小女子, 何德何能竟有這麼多人們關心著我,擔心著我,為我祈福。我只能說這是主帶給我的。他們都是天使,給我鼓舞和勇氣,我只能祈禱感謝主賜予這麼多的愛,那種無私的愛,跟我以前所接觸的完全不一樣。由於自己的背景加上教育的關係,我一直遲疑,從未學到過如何去愛別人,但是華人基督教會的兄弟姐妹教會了我太多的東西,令我無地自容。人是有愛心的,但貴在堅持,持之以恆。這種教義跟我以前所接觸到的宗教不太一樣。但是神凝聚著這美好的愛,帶給我無盡的平安和喜樂。我要仰望耶和華,要等候那救我的神,我的神必應允我。   [:]